Almost the News XXXIII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Russia Continues Attacks Amid Talks
Suspicions were confirmed when Soviet missiles hit the site of the peace talks a mere 30 seconds after the Russian representative was seen running from the building, screaming into his phone, "Now! I said fire now!"

Judge Denies Trump Bid to Toss Guantanamo Suit
"I doubt he has the upper-body strength to toss a salad, let alone a jacket, vest, and pants."

Staffer's Spending Among Highest
U.S. Rep. Brad Finstad would have had no problem with his chief of staff emptying the petty cash fund if he just hadn't done it while surrounded by his marijuana-infused friends.

Official Contradicts U.S. on Abrego Garcia
...while Señor Garcia screams, "Get off of me, por favor!"

Marco Rubio Tells Senators Venezuela Transition Won't Be Fast or Easy
"I mean, they've got to go through all the hormone treatments and counseling before you can even start thinking about surgery."

Super Bowl 60: Teddy Swims to Headline Tailgate Concert
Odd choice of transportation and pretty amazing, considering Levi's Stadium is around 35 miles from the coast.

It's Not My Fault: The 379th Greatest Song

My personal history with R.E.M.'s "Radio Free Europe" begins with my seeing that it is number 379 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.

Having never heard it, nor heard OF it, I go to YouTube and watch the music video they created for it. I can only understand 3 or 4 words in the whole song, and the video is giving me zero clues about its meaning: There's a guy, then two, and finally three guys wandering around a field and an overgrown lawn-and-garden outlet. Oh! And there's a guy sitting at a Bob Cratchit-style desk. Maybe he's writing about the guys in the field and overgrown lawn-and-garden outlet?

So I head over to azlyrics.com and read the words to the song.

This may or may not come as a shock to you, but I still have 100% no idea what the song is about.

So...it's off to songfacts.com. And it is here that I learn what I had been kind of suspecting all along:

There was a good reason for Michael Stipe's infamously indecipherable lyrics on this song: He hadn't finished them by the time they recorded it. In a 1988 NME interview, Stipe described the lyrical content as "complete babbling."

I feel SO justified!

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithSynonyms

 

This is the kind of thing that could have been strung out over a multitude of #TuesdayTrivia entries on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page, but (to almost quote Back to the Future's Doc Brown) then I figured, what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?

• The Diety Male Parent
• The Lightless Templar
• A Dozen Furious Fellows
• The Nobleman of the Finger Circlets
• Lurid Unreal Narrative

• The Excellent, the Awful, and the Unattractive
• Altercation League
• One Swooped Above and Past the Fool's Structure of Twigs, Grass, and Mud
• It's a Marvelous Animate Existence
• The Noiselessness of the Young Sheep

Stupid Stories™: Ms Wack, Loan Officer

 

Patti Wack was recently hired at a local bank as a loan officer and was having trouble deciding whether to lend money to a particular applicant.

The first red flag for Ms Wack was that the potential customer wasn't human. He wasn't even a mammal. The "person" applying for a loan was a frog.

A frog!

How was she supposed to deal with a googly-eyed, web-footed, amphibious creature who wanted the bank to entrust him with cash? He had no job other than sitting around in a swamp.

"How deep is this swamp you sit in, sir?"

"Knee deep. Knee deep."

"Be that as it may, I see no reliable source of income from which to repay this loan you're asking for. Do you have anything you could put up as collateral?"

The frog handed Patti a ceramic figurine of a red-winged blackbird.

"Excuse me, sir, let me consult with my manager."

Patti took the figurine to her manager and, after explaining the whole situation, said, "What am I supposed to do? I mean, I don't even know what this thing he's calling collateral even is."

The loan manager looked her in the eyes and, in a condescending tone, said, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Wack, give the frog a loan."

Goodbye, Penelope Rose: The 380th Greatest Song

 

It is no secret that when Elton John sings, people don't understand the words.

Sometimes, it's because Bernie Taupin's lyrics are weird and only representational of coherent trains of thought. But mostly, it's because Sir Elton has trouble enunciating important sounds...like consonants.

A prime example is the song "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road." It's a fine melody and attempts to express a longing for a simpler life, but when you replace what Bernie wrote with what people hear Elton singing, things quickly go awry.

When are you gonna come down?
When are you gonna calm down?

When are you going to land?
When are you going to learn?

I should have stayed on the farm
I shoved that stake in my arm

I should have listened to my old man
Shoveled glitter into my can

You know you can't hold me forever
You know your cap told me more better

I didn't sign up with you
I giggle hiccup with you

I'm not a present for your friends to open
I'm not a pheasant for your hands to hold on

This boy's too young to be singing the blues
"Da boing do yada," me's singing the blues

So goodbye yellow brick road
So goodbye, Penelope Rose

Where the dogs of society howl
Where the dogs are, though I can't see how

You can't plant me in your penthouse
Your cat locked me in your penthouse, or
You can't have me as your pen pal

I'm going back to my plough
I'm going back to my cow

Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Back to just howlin' around in the world, or
Back to the hidey-hole out in the woods

Hunting the horny-back toad
Punt with a horny, old sow

Oh, I've finally decided my future lies
Oh, I find that my eyes, all putrified

Beyond the yellow brick road
Belong to hollow brick role

BESIDES...

Shouldn't the whole thing have been more about The Wizard of Oz?

When the wind's done spinnin' 'round

When am I going to land?

I should have stayed on the ground

I should have listened to Auntie Em

Ahh...a lost opportunity indeed.

Headlines to Hope for in 2026

 

Please, oh please, oh pretty pretty please!

Campaign Promises to Lower Prices Are Fulfilled

Hollywood Produces 10 Films People Actually Want to See

Minnesotans Give Up Their Juvenile Insistence on Calling "Duck, Duck, Goose" "Duck, Duck, Gray Duck"

Airlines Replace Tasteless So-Called Cookies with CornNuts

Ice Cream, Like Water, Declared Essential for Life and Free at All Restaurants

Art Garfunkel, James Taylor, and Paul Simon Release Cover of Satchmo's "What a Wonderful World"

Campaigning for Mid-term Elections Restricted to Publishing of Position Papers

Waste-of-ink comic strip, Fred Basset, finally shuts down. #FredBassetMustDie

#RuinAChristmasMovie

 

[Originally published December 22, 2017]

It's...

That...

Time of year, when the world watches the same movies for the umpteenth time.

But what if some unscrupulous modifier tweaked the titles of some of those over-watched classics?

It's a Wonderful Lice  -  It's a lousy Christmas when Zuzu comes home from school with someone else's hat.

Frankie the Snowman  -  Ol' Blue Eyes is back, but some miffed mobsters want to put him on ice for good.

Rudolph the Reed-Nosed Reindeer  -  Olive, the other reindeer, laughs at poor Rudolph because he sounds like a clarinet when he breathes.

A Christmas Stork  -  The protagonist wants to buy a Red Ryder BB gun, but is called away to deliver a baby to an obscure village in the Middle East.

Homely Alone  -  An eight-year-old boy is left behind from his family's Christmas trip because he's just so darn ugly.

Alf  -  A furry, alien life form travels from the North Pole to New York City in search of its biological father and a nice CLT...cat, lettuce, and tomato sandwich; where the cat is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe.

The Old Gray Mare Before Christmas  -  This sleigh ride just ain't what she used to be.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vaccination  -  An unfortunate reaction to an ill-timed flu shot spoils a family's holiday celebration.

White Supremacist Christmas  -  Some jokes just write themselves.

The Molar Express  -  A Rankin/Bass production that creates a myth based on the popular song, "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth".

The Santa Claws  -  Kris Kringle refuses to submit to his annual mani/pedi.

Pie Hard  -  NYPD Detective John McClane tries to reconcile with his estranged wife by bringing dessert to her employer's Christmas party, but the dessert is stale.

How the Grinch Smelled on Christmas  -  A special 4-D immersive experience. Not for the faint of nose.

Mildly Amusing Incident on 34th Street  -  A temporary Macy's employee claims to be Howie Mandel.

A Charlie Beige Christmas  -  The Peanuts gang goes to Phoenix for the holidays.

A Christmas Carrot  -  After a series of dreams, Ebeneezer Scrooge goes vegan.

For the video version of this post, CLICK HERE.